


Regarding Us

by MaggieMaybe160



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Universe, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Crying, Crying Castiel (Supernatural), Declarations Of Love, Episode: s12e11 Regarding Dean, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Memory Loss, Secret Relationship, Soul Bond, Soulmates, The Mixtape (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 22:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18647200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieMaybe160/pseuds/MaggieMaybe160
Summary: Dean's memory is quickly fading. As Sam and Rowena scramble to find a way to reverse it, Cas tells Dean their story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [nickelkeep](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelkeep) for beta reading!

A light knock comes at the door and Dean looks over at… Sam. He looks over at Sam briefly before turning back to the Scooby Doo episode on the tv. 

“How bad is he?” The deep voice rocks Dean to his core and he can no longer focus on the cartoons. He turns off the thing with the button thing and leans over so he can see who Sam is talking to. 

A man with dark hair and piercing blue eyes stands. He looks worried and maybe like his hands have run through his hair too many times. 

“Bad.” Sam and the man look over at Dean who blushes. He grins and waves from his spot on the bed. “Dean, this is Cas. He’s going to tell you a story.”  
  
“I’m going to what?” Cas asks at the same time that Dean asks, “He’s going to what?” 

“I need to talk to Rowena. She’s still trying to figure out how to reverse this. He likes stories. Just… Please, Cas?” Sam looks from the man to Dean and back. He looks sad and Dean wonders why. 

“Of course,” Cas nods. Sam thanks him and leaves the room, leaving Cas and Dean alone. “Hello, Dean.” Cas walks into the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed, leaving space between himself and Dean. “I’m going to tell you a story.”  
  
“I like those,” Dean says, grinning and turning to face Cas. “I think.” 

“This story is a special one. It starts on September 18, 2008. There was a man who had sold his soul to save his brother which is why he was in Hell that day. He had spent thirty of his forty years in Hell refusing to join the demons in torturing others. When he gave in, his angel knew he was too late. The plan had been to rescue him well before that breaking point, but Castiel had been forbidden until Dean, that was the man’s name, said yes. 

“So on September the 18th, Castiel was finally given permission to fly into Hell and rescue the man. He gripped him by the shoulders and pulled him out, raising him from perdition. So Dean was saved, in a way. He woke up on Earth and climbed out of his grave. Castiel watched and knew that he had done the right thing in rescuing this man. 

“He also knew that he was in trouble. Castiel was an angel of the Lord. His job was his life and his life was following Heaven’s orders like a toy soldier. He was never meant to care about the human he saved on a personal level. He was never meant to fall in love. It was against the rules of Heaven and Earth, forbidden by God, angels, and humans.”

“Is this a love story?” Dean asks.

“Yes. This is a love story,” Cas smiles and it lights up the room better than the light stick. His eyes are gorgeous and intense, blue with all the colors of the ocean and sky. 

“I like love stories,” Dean says, moving to make himself more comfortable for the long story. 

“I know you do.” Cas runs his hands over his knees absently as he continues. “Castiel didn’t know what love was, but he later learned that he was. He was in love with Dean. From the moment he saw him, his hands gripping his soul, he belonged to Dean. 

“He watched Dean walk alone in the heat of the afternoon, parched from his four months in Hell. When he made it to the gas station, Castiel tried to talk to him. He needed to tell him that everything would be fine. He needed him to know who had rescued him and that he was safe. He needed to tell Dean that Heaven had work for him. The rescue from Hell came at a price. 

“When Castiel spoke, the sound pierced through Dean’s eardrums and shattered the windows. He had hoped that his feelings toward this human weren’t one-sided. Usually, special individuals could hear the true voice of an angel. Dean couldn’t. Castiel was hurt as he watched Dean cover his ears in pain. Pain that told Castiel that Dean couldn’t hear him. 

“He continued to gaze upon this Winchester as a guardian and with affection. He watched him locate his family, arriving on their doorsteps and treated as a monster until proven otherwise. He watched and waited to try speaking again as he worked on gaining the trust of a man named Jimmy Novak. 

“Jimmy was the kind of man who loved God with his entire being. He had room reserved for his wife and daughter, but he was a man of faith first and foremost. His union was divine, and he knew felt it. Cupid had laid a hand on him and Amelia, giving them to each other. Their union was as holy as a nun’s promise to God. So, when Castiel spoke to him and Jimmy heard his voice and answered, Castiel knew that he had found his vessel. Gently, he persuaded the man to let him in. 

“Dean was misguided and scared. He was brought to a psychic who refused to listen to Castiel when she asked to see him. Castiel knew what would happen to the poor woman if she gazed on his true form. He tried to ignore her and save Dean from the horrible vision that was Pamela having her eyes melted. She would not relent and Castiel was forced to show his face to the psychic. He heard her screams and watched Dean’s horror-stricken face. He was ashamed as he watched Dean recoil. 

“Castiel was finally given a vessel and opened his eyes to see Earth from an entirely new perspective. He was confined to one spot and no longer had the liberty of birds-eye view. He was limited and in the only form that Dean would be able to look at him and hear him without becoming maimed. He had to get to Dean Winchester. 

“It was September 20th when Dean met Castiel. His green eyes were wide with fear as he raised his gun and shot into Castiel’s chest. He somehow looked even more perfect from the point of view of a human. His freckles stood out on his tanned skin under the exploding lights. His lips, pink and pursed, parted when his sigils and rock salt rounds did nothing to hinder Castiel. 

“Dean didn’t believe Castiel when he was told that Castiel was an angel. As proof, the angel unfurled his wings and drew them out to their full length. He knew Dean wouldn’t be able to actually see them. If he hadn’t been able to hear his true voice, he wouldn’t be able to see even this small display of his true form. Still, Dean’s face reflected the astonishment as he took in the sight of what must have been shadows of the actual wings on the barn wall. 

“The longer Castiel stood that close to Dean, the stronger their bond grew. A bond had been forged between them when Castiel had pulled him from Hell. Heaven refers to this bond as a soul mate. Usually, soulmates are helped together by the Cupids if they don’t find each other by themselves. Soulmates are also usually only human. It is forbidden for an angel to love a human, but that didn’t stop the bond from igniting the second Castiel touched Dean. The only way to describe the invisible, yet very strong, tether, was to call it a profound bond. So that is exactly what Castiel called it.

“Dean felt it too. He felt it the second he came face to face with the angel. While Castiel masked his love, fearing Heaven’s wrath, Dean hid his, fearing rejection. Dean was afraid of both Castiel’s rejection and his own self-hate. He had learned to let himself enjoy the company of other men after years of rejecting that side of himself, but to fall in love with a monster? A creature? Something that could be shot at and stabbed without any kind of reaction? He had never allowed himself the possibility of falling in love with something to hunt. He never had to. Then, he was never faced with a soulmate of another world before. 

“Castiel was held back when jealousy raged through him at the sight of Dean laying with another angel. He was experimenting, unwilling to test the waters with someone he cared for, no matter how new Castiel and Dean’s acquaintanceship was. Anna was about to give herself back to Heaven and she asked for Dean. That night, Castiel was robbed of a moment he had wanted for himself. Uriel, another angel, grew spiteful. He was beginning to learn the feeling of hate when he found himself disgusted with Castiel’s jealousy. When Uriel found out about Castiel’s love, he told Dean, hoping to disgust the human. Disgust the hunter of monsters with the revelation that a monster was in love with him.

“It was only after Dean prayed for the first time that Castiel got the nerve to speak to Dean about the way that he felt. He walked into Dean’s dream, ready to profess his love unto his human. He told Dean where to meet him and when he stepped out of Dean’s dream, effectively waking the hunter, Castiel was dragged back to Heaven. He screamed as he was tortured for his love. The idea of loving a human was such a disgrace to the other angels that they tortured him endlessly, pounding the lesson into his being. He served Heaven, not man. And he was nothing to Dean Winchester. The words didn’t stick. They hurt him deeply. 

“It wasn’t long later that Dean prayed again. He prayed, screaming Castiel’s name into the night for hours. Castiel listened, pained and restrained for two hours before he was finally released. When he came face to face with Dean, he knew. 

“ ‘What the hell happened in Illinois?’ Dean demanded. His heart was in his eyes, filled with the betrayal that Castiel knew landed on his shoulders though it was the other angels’ fault. 

“He had to lie and tell him he didn’t remember or that it didn’t matter. ‘Nothing of import,’  passed his lips while the truth carved itself into his heart, branding him with a DW.

“Cas still didn’t have the words to tell Dean how he felt. He didn’t have the human knowledge to realize that what he felt was unconditional love. He didn’t have the need for such an idea before he had met Dean. He opened his mouth to answer but no words came.

“ ‘You got your ass reamed in Heaven, but it was  _ not of import _ ?’

“ ‘Dean,” Cas pleaded. ‘I can’t.’ He couldn’t tell Dean. He wasn’t allowed these feelings. Dean’s eyes pierced through him, digging for the real answer. The answer that would only strengthen their bond and incite the fury of Heaven. 

“Dean was the one who made the first move. Cas had been about to walk away when Dean’s hand caught his, pulling him back. Their eyes locked and Dean’s hand moved up to caress the side of Cas’ face in a way that he had never had the right to hope for. The kiss that followed was everything. It was defiance and freedom on both of their parts. It was a confession and answer when Dean kissed Cas and Cas kissed back.” 

“Who are they?” Dean breathes, fully entranced. 

“Who?” the man asks gently, his eyes swallowing Dean whole. 

“Them.”

“Dean and Cas,” the man says softly. “You and me.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Rowena promised to keep searching for a cure for Dean and that the best thing Sam could do was stay out of her way and take care of his brother. Sam opens the door quietly. He can hear Cas’ deep voice and is surprised at how comforted he feels just knowing that Dean is being cared for by Cas. 

“Their relationship continued despite the imminent war. They met under the guise of night, taking walks hand in hand, discussing the upcoming battles and taking comfort in each other’s touch. Sometimes they stayed silent, not wanting to fill the air with pointless noise when they could communicate seamlessly without it. During the day they fought side by side. In the night they were lovers. 

“There was even a time when Sam and Dean were fighting that the sweethearts were given a few days alone. It was Cas’ first time impersonating an FBI agent alongside Dean. It was his first time being alone with Dean without having to sneak out of motel rooms and have sex in the backseat of Dean’s car. It was the first time their motel room was theirs and their love was free. They were hunting down an archangel together and learning each other in the downtime. Dean may have been sad about the fight with his brother, but he was glad for the time with his angel. Selfishly, Cas was also glad. He had all of Dean’s attention for his own case and his own cravings. 

“It wasn’t long before the brother’s made up, but those few days seemed to change everything. It was the first time they dared to tell each other that they cared for the other. Dean wasn’t ready to say the word ‘love’ but they both knew that that was what it was. It was their love and they both understood it. 

“They remained close as Cas worked tirelessly to keep his human safe. Dean was captured on more than one occasion. It was never long before Cas came to his rescue, whether the rescue attempt was successful or not. Even with the failures, at least Dean knew that his angel would fight for him. He knew that Cas would tear down every monster, demon and angel alike, to save Dean. 

“Though, Summer romances end. They end for all kinds of reasons.  This one ended with the big fight. Not between the soulmates. They couldn’t have been more in love. That wasn’t going to change. It ended with the death of a brother, a promise made on a deathbed, and two broken hearts. 

“Sam pulled Lucifer and Michael into Hell, leaving Dean utterly alone. During the fight, Cas had been killed. Dean’s heart was fragile. Every human heart is fragile, but Dean’s was perfect and beautiful, made of stained glass. He watched his lover die moments before his brother. He was left with nothing but glass shards in his chest and a promise he didn’t want to keep.”

Sam’s stomach twists. This wasn’t a story. This was their life. Sam feels his heart racing in his chest as his mind reels with the new information. He takes his steps into the bedroom to find Dean sitting next to Cas on the bed, their hands laced together. Dean’s eyes are locked with Cas’. Sam sits on the other bed and lays back on the pillows, looking up at the ceiling. 

“Cas knew he had to let Dean heal in his own way. He knew it was going to be painful for both of them, but Dean had promised his brother that he would leave the life of hunting and go find a slice of life with Lisa, the mother of Dean’s firstborn.

“Dean wouldn’t leave. His love swimming in his eyes, he begged Cas not to leave him. His angel had returned to him, healed and renewed. Cas had been put back together by God. Upon his return to Earth, he found Dean, bloody, broken, and bruised. He healed him with ease, but he knew that it was goodbye. So Dean begged. He stood so they were face to face, his hands cupping the face of his angel, and he cried. They kissed and it was the most painful kiss Cas had ever experienced. He knew what it was to lose everything now.

“He also knew that Dean wouldn’t be able to carry out his promise if he had even a small chance at staying with Cas. So Cas had to do the hardest thing he ever had to do in the eons that he had existed: he left Dean.”

“No,” Dean breathes. “He loves him, though.” 

“He loves him so much.” Sam looks over to see Cas lift Dean’s hand to his lips and press a kiss into the knuckles. “He had to leave him so that Dean could heal. Cas wasn’t really gone. He stayed hidden, watching over Dean. He never left his human. He could never leave him, even if watching him hurt him deeply. It may have hurt, but it was worth it to catch the moments when Dean smiled or laughed. 

“Cas lied to himself and told himself that this meant that Dean was happy, even though that was far from the truth. Dean was miserable. He had never loved another being like he had loved Cas. His love was still strong, coursing through him and building up walls to keep him from ever falling in love with Lisa. She could feel it. They fought, but she fought for his love, for she loved him. Dean liked her. He adored her and her son. He never knew that Ben was his. He loved him all the same. But, he wouldn’t allow himself to love Lisa as he had loved Cas. 

“Sam returned from Hell almost immediately after entering, leaving his soul behind to be tortured by Lucifer. It was a year later, though, that Sam returned to his older brother. Cas thought that maybe, after this return, Dean would come back too. He thought that with Sam alive, maybe Dean would come back to him, his promise void. 

“It was painful to find out he was wrong. It was worse than when Dean had stabbed him in the chest. Cas felt like the best thing he could do, was to let Dean be. The best thing was to try to save him and the world by fighting alongside a familiar demon named Crowley. He couldn’t stand to watch Dean betray him over and over again. 

“One of the worst days for Dean was one of the best for Cas. Dean asked Cas to erase Lisa and Ben’s memories. He needed them to forget him to keep them safe from the monsters that had started targeting them to get to him. It was over. 

“Unfortunately, the timing was all wrong. Had Dean needed it a year earlier, Cas would have been saved. He wouldn’t have been so far in his plan with Crowley. He wouldn’t have gone to the ends of the Earth to try to fix the world, feeling depressed and out of control. He never would have let the leviathan in.

“Leviathans are horrible creatures that had been defeated once. They all resided in a place called Purgatory. They are strong and difficult to kill. They also have much stronger will power than any other creature that Cas took in when he drank in Purgatory. 

“Cas needed to prove himself and ended up killing himself.”

Dean gasps and Cas hugs Dean to him, holding him tight and pressing a kiss to the top of his head as he comforts him. 

“It’s okay. Cas is an angel. He was hurt badly and during his healing process, he appeared to be dead. There was no part of him that Dean could find, so they assumed he was dead, but Cas was just healing. He’s okay.” 

“Is…” Dean pauses and looks up at Cas as if asking for Cas to figure out the rest of the question. Cas waits patiently without saying a word. “The...man… Does he? Cas?” 

Sam’s heart twists as he listens to his brother struggle to remember how to phrase a coherent question. 

“Yes, Dean sees Cas again,” Cas answers softly. He strokes his hand through Dean’s hair and presses their foreheads together, eyes locked intimately. “Cas always finds Dean again. Always. Can I continue the story now, Dean?”  
  
“Yes,” Dean whispers and rests against Cas’ chest with his angel’s head resting on top of his. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Sam checks his phone to see if there’s any news from Rowena. When his screen remains blank, he sends her a single question mark. 

“Not yet, Samuel. I’m trying,” appears on his phone and he turns it face down, ready to listen to Cas’ story and try to forget that Dean doesn’t know anyone in the room that he’s sitting in, not even himself. 

“When Cas disappeared, the only part of him that Dean found was the trench coat. It was filthy and soaked with lake water and blood. Dean kept it anyway. He knew he’d find Cas again and Cas would need it when he was found. Dean told Cas later that even if he never found Cas again, he would have kept it forever. There wasn’t anything in this world that would make him give the last part of his angel up.

“Sam, Dean’s brother, was sick. See, they’d rescued his soul from Hell and after what Lucifer had done to it, being reunited with his soul was hurting him. Dean needed to save his brother and was without his angel once again. He found Cas by accident. Cas had lost all of his…”

Cas chokes and swallows hard. Sam looks over and sees Cas close his eyes and tilt his face toward the ceiling the way one might if they were trying not to cry. Sam had never seen Cas cry. Tears begin to slide down his cheeks, his bottom lip quivering. Cas bites his lip before sniffing and kissing Dean’s head again. 

“Cas had lost all of his memories. He couldn’t… He couldn’t remember Dean. He felt strangely connected to the stranger who was begging him for help… Their bond was still strong, stronger every day. A friendly demon, Meg, spilled the secret. She told Cas that he was an angel. That he was Dean’s best friend. 

“ ‘Am I Cas?’ Cas asked. He had listened to Dean talk long and hard about his heartbreak over losing Cas. About their fights and their friendship and he had known that it wasn’t the loss of a friend that was killing Dean. Cas remembered who he was. He remembered how much he loved the Winchesters. He remembered all of the horrible things he had done. He remembered.  
  
“Please remember.” Cas whispers the last part. Dean’s arms wind around Cas instinctively and protectively. Cas bows his head into Dean’s shoulder and lets out a sob, his hands gripping Dean’s flannel, balling it into his fists. 

Dean’s shoulders shake. He’s crying too and he probably has no idea why. Sam wipes his own silent tears away from his face and looks away from the intimate scene. 

“Dean,” Cas whispers, his voice breaking with the tears. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Sam dares to look back over to find Cas wiping the tears from Dean’s face and kissing his cheeks where the tears had been. “Cas remembered. That’s a good thing.

“It’s great because Cas was able to save Sam as a gift to the Winchesters. He took on Sam’s illness to show how much he loved them. It was an apology to Dean. It wasn’t supposed to take over Cas’ mind. It did and for that, Cas will be forever apologetic. He had tried apologizing to Dean for their fight and for disappearing and ended up locked away in a hospital. Locked away from Dean, but now their relationship could heal. 

“Cas wasn’t cured until both he and Dean were banished from Earth together. They fought together once again. Side by side, they took down Dick Roman. He had been possessed by Leviathan and it was everything to both Dean and Cas to be able to fight together again. To save the world together. 

“Unfortunately, they landed in Purgatory. Cas knew that, being the only angel in Purgatory, he would be a massive target to be hunted by all of the other monsters there. Dean was the only human. He had a beacon all by himself, but his was dimmer. Cas’ only way to protect Dean was to abandon him. Dean didn’t understand. He finally had his angel back and he needed his angel, so he went to the edges of this new world to find Cas. 

“He found him. When he did, Dean took Cas in his arms and there, they kissed for the first time since their farewell kiss years before. It was desperate and sweet, clingy and weighted with every millisecond they had spent apart. 

“ ‘Cas,’ was all Dean could say over and over between each kiss. Cas could feel his human’s heart pounding into his chest. 

“ ‘Dean,’ Cas answered. 

“I have to tell you something here. ‘Dean’ isn’t just a name. Not to Cas. Dean is everything. Dean is the first word that fully captured how Cas felt. It was the first word that seemed synonymous with  _ love _ . Dean is the way your heart feels, filled to the brim and beating too quickly when you see the person you love. Dean is the way the wind feels, coming in through the open window when you’re watching the sunset from the passenger seat of an old Chevy Impala with classic rock playing. Dean would always mean love. At least to Cas. 

“In Purgatory, they were reunited. Their love seemed to pick up where they left off. Like their kisses took away each moment that they spent apart. Their embrace weaved them closer. Cas knew he would never be able to leave. It wouldn’t have been a problem. Dean liked it there. He liked mowing down the creatures. He liked the simplicity and with Cas by his side, his entire world seemed to be more complete. 

“There was one problem. A vampire. The vampire who had helped Dean survive that long. The vampire who had befriended him, Benny, needed to get out of Purgatory. He knew how to do it, too. He just needed Dean. And Cas knew that Dean needed to go back home. He needed to go back to Earth. Go back to his brother. Go back to saving people, hunting things, his family’s business.

“Cas pretended for Dean’s benefit that he would be able to go through the portal back to Earth when the time came. He had put up some resistance at first, but Dean wouldn’t hear it. Dean held his hand, unwilling to let him go now that they were back together. It took three nights to make it to the portal from the stream where Dean had found him. Three nights where Cas lost himself in Dean, their reunion reminding them both of what they had been missing. 

“It was quickly lost again when they reached the portal. Cas pushed Dean through, watching his human die a little inside. His heart screamed and their bond screamed with him. As they were in two separate worlds, their bond felt like a knife that continued to carve up both of their insides. Dean had thought it was grief over the death of Cas, but Cas wasn’t dead. He was just a world away. 

“Cas was returned to Earth with the help of some angels with an agenda. They wanted an artifact and Dean Winchester dead. Castiel was returned to Earth with a new mission that was the exact opposite of his original mission: kill Dean Winchester. Cas was brainwashed. Every day, multiple times a day, Cas was faced with a replica of Dean. They looked, sounded, and smelled just the same. They used his mannerisms. They made the same facial expressions. Cas cried the first thousand times and was punished for it. He begged and pleaded and screamed, pulling at his bonds as his skull was drilled into and they tried again and again and again.”

Sam has never heard about that. He looks over at Cas, surprised. An angel that defied all odds, Cas fell in love with a human so deeply he’d survived being tortured multiple times. He defied Heaven’s orders, choosing Dean every single time. Sam wishes he knew the truth behind everything Cas has been through for them. Listening now, he knows that he’s barely seen the tip of the iceberg. 

“After successfully killing millions of fake Dean Winchesters, Cas came face to face with his moment. He was supposed to kill the actual Dean. Boyfriends alone with the tablet. Cas’ mind began to war. He couldn’t tell what was real, what was simulation. Naomi, his brainwasher, ordered him repeatedly to kill Dean. Dean looked at his angel with love and unguarded fear as he was beaten and brought to his knees under the blade wielded by Cas. 

“ ‘You’re family. We need you. I need you, Cas,’ Dean said through his injuries, blood on his lips. Something broke inside of Cas. He dropped the blade. He watched as Dean flinched, clearly afraid, as Cas gently took his face in his hands and healed him like he had the day they’d said goodbye. 

“ ‘I’m so sorry, Dean,’ Cas said, stepping away from his love, regret and shame filling him. 

“ ‘What the hell just happened?’ Dean demanded. He wasn’t mad. He was confused and still fearful, though he would never admit to Cas that he was ever afraid for one moment. Cas explained to Dean about the brainwashing without detail. He told him that Naomi had brainwashed him and had been controlling him. 

“ ‘What broke the connection?’ 

“The answer to that was simple. Dean. Dean’s love. Their bond. Dean. So Cas looked up at Dean and took a step closer, letting his lips graze against Dean’s, silently telling him the answer that existed in both of their hearts. 

“I would like to tell you that they lived happily ever after. I would love to tell you that nothing came between them ever again. I would like to tell you all of the happiest things. The only thing that I can tell you that remains happy and true is their deep and affectionate love for each other. 

“See, after the whole mess with the tablet and their rocky restart, Cas was taken and made human. His grace was stolen. The angels fell from Heaven. Dean took on the mark of Cain. Dean died and became a Prince of Hell. The mark almost drove Dean to kill Cas. He killed Death. But through it all, they managed. They managed to find time to meet. They found time to make love, hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. They made time for each other here and there. They had to. They needed each other.

“How about we skip all of that mess, and I tell you the highlights? The best parts? The parts that Dean loves and Cas adores?”

Dean moves so he can look at Cas. His face looks pained as his lips attempt to form words. Eventually, he settles on the last only word left, “Cas.” 

“Yes, Dean,” Cas answers. Dean runs his hand down the side of Cas’ face and presses his lips to the angel’s. He curls up against Cas’ side again coughs. 

“I’m going to call Rowena,” Sam says, getting up and wiping tears from his face.


	4. Chapter 4

“I know it’s fading fast, Dean,” Cas whispers, running his hands through the soft hair. “Rowena will find something. Let’s keep telling the story.” Dean is warm against his side. His strong arms are wrapped around him and his head is a weight against his chest. He can no doubt hear the beating of Cas’ heart. 

“The first time Dean told Cas he loved him was through prayer. Dean had gotten into the habit while in Purgatory of praying to Cas every night that they were apart. It was Cas’ favorite part of every night. Dean’s voice was the loudest and clearest of all of the prayers that Cas could hear. The night that Dean whispered his love into the night was the same night that Cas returned from Heaven and leaned against the bedroom door, his hand splayed over the wood. He knocked once and Dean swung the door open, breathless and flushed. 

“ ‘I love you too, Dean,’ was all Cas had time to say before Dean closed their small distance, pulling his angel against him. 

“That was also the first night that Cas stayed in Dean’s room with him. After their activities, as Dean called them, Dean held onto Cas’ hand and asked him to stay. There’s no way to say no to that. The love of your life, naked, breathless, and absolutely stunning, asking you to stay in their bed after telling you that they love you? You don’t say no to that no matter what you were going to do. So Cas stayed. He settled into his hunter’s bed, his head resting on Dean’s pillow as he was now Dean’s pillow. They stayed tangled up between the sheets as Dean drifted to sleep. As he slept, Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair and sang to him quietly in Enochian to keep him content, pushing the nightmares far from his hunter. 

“It became regular to their routine. If Dean was in the bunker, Cas would go to his room and crawl into his bed. Not every night was an active one. Sometimes they would just curl up together. Dean would whisper the thoughts that were keeping him awake and Cas would listen until Dean drifted off, the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders by sharing it with Cas.”

Sam steps into the room again, his face a wet, tragic mask. Behind him is Rowena. She follows Sam into the room and they climb onto the second bed. Rowena sits on the edge of the bed and looks down at Sam as he covers his face with both hands. 

Cas lowers his eyes to Dean, who is still wrapped around him. He tightens his arms around Dean, one hand rubbing his back as Dean coughs again. Fear rattles through Cas, but he keeps it stifled as he resumes their story. 

“Cas lives for the memory of Dean teaching him to drive. Cas was an angel. He didn’t know how to drive. He never had a reason to. He had wings and the power of Heaven, but Dean didn’t like flying in any form, by wings or plane. So Dean took it upon himself to teach his angel how to drive. It was nerve-wracking for both of them. Dean relinquished the keys to his beloved ‘67 and slid into the passenger side of his car. Cas got behind the wheel and looked at his hunter for instruction. It felt wrong to look to the right for guidance. Dean belonged on his left, in the driver’s seat eternally. 

“Surprisingly, Dean was a patient instructor. He explained slowly and when he was done, he leaned back in his seat. They both looked out the window as Dean steeled himself and Cas waited with his hand on the keys, ready to give it all back to Dean. 

“ ‘Go.’

“Cas turned the keys and the engine roared to life. He moved the gear shift to drive and pressed down gently on the gas pedal. He grinned and looked over at Dean. Their smiles matched.

“ ‘Okay, eyes on the road, Romeo,’ Dean laughed. 

“They continued their lessons, usually lying, telling Sam that they were going on a beer run. It wasn’t a total lie. Dean would drive them away from the bunker and switch seats with Cas. They’d drive further and further away, listening to music, Dean singing badly right along with it until they reached their secret spot. Cas would pull off the road and park. Hidden by the trees, Dean and Cas would kiss and collapse together in the backseat. They would giggle and kiss, happy, elated, thrilled and overjoyed to be together. After redressing, Dean would position himself in his rightful place behind the steering wheel and take Cas to the store to buy beer and pie. 

“Always pie. Dean loves pie. 

“Dean had many ways of saying he loved Cas without using words. I’ve already told you about teaching Cas to drive and asking Cas to stay in his bed with him. Going on beer runs more for secret dates than for the beer. There was also a mixtape. Dean made Cas a cassette tape of thirteen Led Zeppelin songs. 

“Dean was on top of Cas, both of their shirts missing but pants still on as they kissed. Dean suddenly stopped and twisted, reaching into the front seat. Cas kept his hands on Dean’s hips and watched him as he slid a new tape into the tape deck and pressed play. 

“ ‘I uh… This is for you,’ Dean said, turning back to face Cas. ‘Nothing better than Zeppelin.’

“ ‘Yes there is,’ Cas argued. Dean’s face turned and Cas grinned. ‘You singing Zeppelin,’ Cas elaborated quickly. He watched as Dean’s heart melted. 

“When they got back to the bunker that night, Dean gave him the tape. Cas brought it with him every time they went driving, even if they didn’t get a chance to play it. He brought it with him everywhere. It stayed in the pocket of his trenchcoat, a small weight, a physical reminder of Dean’s love. 

“There were ways Dean vocalized his love, too. Like his nightly prayers when they were apart. He also called Cas Sunshine. 

“Cas loved being Dean’s sunshine. Cas earned many nicknames from Dean over the years. Cas and Sunshine were his two favorites. Dumbass was also frequent, but that one belonged to many people. Sunshine was just for him. In the mornings, Dean would look up into Cas’ face, beaming already. He would stretch and rub a hand over his eyes.

“ ‘Morning, Sunshine,’ he would groan through his stretch. It was the most beautiful he ever was. His guard was never up that early and before coffee. He was relaxed and happy, lazily draped over his angel’s lap, his muscles working just under his skin to drive Cas crazy.”

Dean gasps and chokes in Cas’ lap. Cas readjusts him so Dean is lying on his back, his head cradled in Cas’ lap. He strokes the side of Dean’s face gently. 

“You are so loved, Dean Winchester,” Cas whispers, touching his nose to Dean’s briefly. “Breathe, Darling.” Dean’s green eyes stare straight up into Cas’ as he forces out an exhale like it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. “And in?” Cas guides and sucks in a dramatic breath for Dean to imitate. He does. It’s shaky, but it’s there. 

“Sam,” Cas says softly. Sam gets up and sits on the other side of his brother. 

Cas feels his own heart breaking with every exaggerated breath he takes for Dean. He doesn’t dare look away from the green eyes that hold him. He doesn’t dare release this moment. Dean’s eyes are pleading. Pleading for Cas to keep talking maybe. Begging for his memories so he can breathe without copying. 

“Dean,” Cas chokes off a sob. His tear lands on Dean’s cheek and he wipes it away with a kiss. Cas digs into his trench coat pocket and takes out the mixtape. His hand is shaking as he hands it to Rowena. He runs his thumb over Dean’s cheek, continuing to breathe in the over the top manner so Dean can copy as he listens to Rowena put the tape into a stereo. 

“How do I tell you how much it all meant to me?” Cas asks, shaking his head. His voice is thick with tears and as shaky as his hands. “I once tried to describe my life span to you. Each of your lifetimes is a blip for me. Not yours, though. Yours is the highlight, illuminated with green. The same green as your eyes. That’s my favorite color. Your eyes in the sunshine. They gleam and shine when you smile. It’s even better when you laugh. My time with you has been spent well. I’ve learned to be a good angel, human, lover, and partner. I’ve learned how to hunt and pick up my FBI badge correctly on the first try.

“Okay, I lied. I still can’t do it on the first try and to be honest, I don’t want to. Your mouth quirks up at the corners in the smallest smile that lights up my life when I do it wrong. And then you correct it, your hand brushing mine and my heart beats for you. My lungs breathe for you. Breathe, sweetie.” 

Cas drags in another breath, putting his hand on Dean’s chest to illustrate to him what to do. Dean’s breath is cut up, but he makes it. Cas pushes the air out of his own lungs and Dean copies again. 

Cas feels Sam’s hand on his shoulder, but he can’t look up. He can’t stop staring into Dean’s eyes, trying to memorize every detail of his face. He can’t lose him. 

“Dean.” 

Dean’s chest fails to rise in time with Cas’. He screws up his face in concentration and fear. His hands grab at Cas’ and his knuckles turn white as he tightens his grip on Cas. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Try again, love. Please. Try again,” Cas cries, pressing kisses into Dean’s hands. “Please, Dean. I can’t lose you like this. Please.” 

“Dean?” Sam moves closer and he holds Dean’s other hand, earning the same tight grip. 

“You are loved and taken care of. I will find you in Heaven. I won’t lose you,” Cas whispers. Dean chokes, his gaze still holding onto Cas. “Dean.” 

His grip loosens, eyelids drooping as his head falls back. Cas crumples over him, sobbing into the only being he could ever and would ever love. 

Sam’s hand finds his and squeezes. He’s not alone in his grief, but he’s still never felt so alone. So broken. If he weren’t exiled from Heaven, he would have gone to Dean immediately. He would have gone to stay, but his wings are clipped. He’d given up his angelic family for his life with Dean. He’d given up everything for him, and now it separated them. 

“I love him,” Cas sobs, his breaths coming too fast. 

“I know.” Sam’s hand tightens on his. “He loved you, too.” 


End file.
